House Rules
Stuff You Really Need To Know™
The reason we refer to our House Rules as an “Idiot Barometer” is that the people who are offended by them tend to be high-maintenance, self-absorbed idiots. Our loyal patrons (who are awesome) love the no-nonsense approach these policies represent. So, the rules keep idiots out, while attracting fun people at the same time. It’s like science.
21 AND OVER ONLYAdult Fun Inside, No Kids. This is a bar. (Obviously.) If you are ever denied entry to The Vortex because you don’t have your ID with you, it’s your own damned fault.
NON-SMOKINGLove Your Lungs, Abuse Your Liver. The Vortex does not allow smoking or vaping of any kind inside our premises. You can do it within certain exterior areas. Ask your server for details.
IDIOT-FREE ZONEThe Never Ending Project. Our goal is to foster an atmosphere of fun and mutual respect. We declared The Vortex an Idiot-Free Zone back in 1992, and have remained committed to this policy ever since. Simply stated, it means “you be nice, and we’ll be nice.”
NO RESERVATIONSWe’re Not Fancy Like That. We’re on a first-come, first-served basis. We do not take reservations. Want the whole place to yourself? You’re gonna have to pay up for a buyout $$$$.
ALLERGY WARNINGIt’s All About Your Safety. If you have food sensitivities or allergies serious enough to cause sickness or death, we suggest that you do NOT eat here. The Vortex cannot guarantee the absence of any specific allergen from any of our menu items.
LET US HELP YOUWe Mostly Want To Say Yes. Don’t come in here and start moving the furniture around like you own the place. If your group has any special needs, please let the host, server, or manager assist you.
LARGE GROUPSThe Bane Of Our Existence. We do our best to serve everyone, but there are plenty of places that offer reservations and special rooms for large groups, so maybe go there.
INCOMPLETE PARTIESDon’t Be A Jerk About It. We do not seat incomplete parties during any peak business period. We know all your little tricks and lies too, you tricky, lying little bastards, so don’t even try them.
OUTSIDE FOOD & DRINKSNever Ever, Ever. If you are foolish enough to whip out a sack lunch, or bring in an outside beverage, it will be confiscated and dumped in the trash. Give us any lip, and you’ll end up there too.
NO WHININGAct Like An Adult, Not A Crybaby. We’re sorry if you don’t like what we do, or how we do it. If you insist on having total control over your environment at all times, then maybe you should just stay home. Nobody likes a whiner.
SPECIAL ORDERS & EXTRASThey’re Extra. We aim to please so if you want a bunch of “extra” stuff, or you want to make crazy alterations to a menu item, we’ll do our best to help you out. If you have concerns about the cost of your “special request,” please ask your server about it BEFORE placing the order.
SERVERS ARE PEOPLE TOOSo Just Be Nice. To get your server’s attention, do not whistle, clap, or bang your bottle on the table like an idiot. Displaying disrespectful or abusive behavior will get you thrown out immediately. So please don’t act like a jackass. That’s just good advice to follow while you exist on planet Earth.
SERVICE GUARANTEE & FRESH FOOD No Nukes. We do our best to be prompt, but service times will vary with business volume. All our menu items are fresh and cooked to order - and never sits under a heat lamp. Try to relax, have fun, and enjoy the experience. It’ll be good for you.
TIP OR DIEOr Drag Your Cheap Ass To Mickey D’s. Tipping for service is the currently accepted custom in this country, and at this bar. It also happens to be how our servers and bartenders make their living. If you can’t afford to tip, then you can’t afford to eat at a full-service restaurant. Had an issue with service? Talk to a manager.
NO FREE SAMPLESIf It’s Right, It’s Yours. Food that has been prepared correctly may NOT be returned because you “just don’t like it.” Same goes for mixed drinks. Read the descriptions. Talk to your server. Act like a grown-up.
NO CAMPINGWe Know It’s Hard To Say Goodbye. We always want our patrons to hang out and enjoy themselves. But, if you have finished and have paid your check, and can see that people are waiting, be considerate and give up your seat.
OUR FANS ARE THE BESTWe ♥ You Hard! We rely on our loyal fans to help make sure we keep doing things right, and we appreciate the intelligent feedback we receive through our website. This type of input is invaluable. Being attentive to the concerns of our good customers helps us maintain a high-quality experience for everyone. That’s why we love y’all so damn much. Thank you for your continued support!
PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLYDon’t barf in our bar. Don’t be sloppy. If you’re drinking, we suggest you designate a driver, or use a ride-sharing service. Impaired driving is dangerous, and DUIs suck.